For the Fourth of July, I went to the Miller's place for some food, fellowship, and fireworks, and naturally, we had a blast (pun intended). After sitting on the grass passing around a guitar, taking rides on the limousine golf cart, and playing death hack, we headed off to the dock to launch the fireworks.
The Miller's dock is quite narrow, so we walked single-file to the end where we quickly realized that there wasn't enough room for us and the fireworks. So a few of us guys (naturally) stayed behind to handle the explosives while the rest sat along the edge of the walkway to watch. We launched screaming rockets, roman candles, and fireballs (one of which, after the launcher fell over, reportedly grazed a few legs and a head, but it could just be a myth, as no one left the dock injured). For the bottle rockets, we found that the fishing-pole-holder made a perfect missile silo. We tried to launch two at once from it, but didn't manage to get the second one lit before we dropped it in. After hopes of getting it to light by the sparks from proceeding rockets, we gave up on it and moved on to bigger and better things. You could really feel the mortars when they were launched, and we did manage to get two of those at once. The remnants would fall down and you could hear them splash into the river... sorry Environment!
Once the mortars were used up, most everyone had left, but Zach and I stayed behind with hopes to light the trapped bottle rocket with sparklers. We'd been having trouble with the lighter all night, but it wasn't until now that we finally found that the trick was to keep it pointed downwards. We took the first sparkler, held it to the flame, and proceeded to become frustrated. It wouldn't light at all, no matter how long we held it there. Normally, those things ignite in just a couple of seconds, but we held this one in the flame for at least thirty and no sparks were to be found. We grabbed a second one, thinking that the first had been a fluke, but had the same problem. Finally, with both sparklers against the flame from the lighter, in my frustration, which might be more accurately called confusion or bewilderment, I quickly said, "Lord Jesus, light these sparklers!"
And I really don't think there was even a gap in time, not even a millisecond, between the last sound from my mouth and the spray of sparks that leapt from the sparklers. We quickly tossed them into the missile silo, and, to our dismay, they did not light the lost bottle rocket. We gave up on it quickly, but were captured by the seeming ridiculousness of the past moment. Did that really just happen? They really wouldn't light until Jesus' name was brought into it? And then a more serious question: Why did He choose to answer something so silly as lighting our sparklers rather than prayers for healing we've said in the past?
We began to examine our hearts. When I prayed for the sparklers, I knew what I wanted. Although honestly I may have said it semi-jokingly, there weren't any thoughts of doubt and my motivations were simply to see these things on fire nothing else. But in times when I've prayed for healing, has my heart been so pure? I remember what seems like each time I've prayed for healing being flooded with doubt, and the moment becomes not a time for healing but a time for my faith to be confirmed, or better said, my lack of faith to be vanquished. When I've prayed for healing, it often, if not always, has become a moment where I want to see healing so that I could have faith in healing, and my heart's desire to see the person healed for their sake or for Christ's fades away.
So what does this mean? Does He only do His works when our hearts are focused on what we're praying for? Does He refuse to show up when we falter and question our faith, even in a small way? Surely the latter cannot be true, for He often shows up in those times, albeit different than we probably would imagine, and I can remember a few small times when He has healed even when I was desiring the healing for my faith's sake and not for the sake of the joy in restoration or kingdom work being done.
I'm not really sure what to think of it all, but it is a good wake up call for my heart when I'm praying. What am I truly focused on when I'm speaking to the Most High God? When I'm praying for someone else, is my heart concerned about me or them? Am I truly desiring kingdom work to be done in their life because I love what God loves to do? Or am I just looking for confirmation of a weak faith? (not to say it's wrong to have a weak faith.) When I'm praying for the life and soul of another person, do I have Christ's heart for them? I don't think it's wrong to struggle and wrestle or to want to be encouraged by seeing the fruits of faith. In fact, those are great and fruitful things. But I do hope that in the moment, when I'm down on my knees with someone, or with a hand on someone's shoulder, that I will be desiring their good, and for that moment, set my struggles and doubts aside, and just love and hope for His will to be done.
