Here we go.
I've been trying to figure out how to write this next post. It's hard. Not because I don't know how to go about it, but even just figuring out what to say.
Anyway. I've intended to use this blog to help me step back and take a look at my self, what I'm doing, etc., but this that I write hasn't come from that. Instead, through talking with other people who ask how they can pray for me, I've been able to see what I'm struggling with.
Before we begin, one thing you should know: I've come to realize that I can always know God more than I do, so I am now seeking to . I've had multiple times in the past where I've been satisfied with my current state of faith. I thought I had reached the top, that I was the ultimate Christian (this was long before I had read even 1% of the Bible, or even live a life that I would consider to be under the lordship of Christ). Frequent recognitions that there is more and more to life with God that I previously knew have encouraged me to give up this idea and I am now continually seeking to know Him more.
And now to begin.
A few days ago, I spent some time reading scripture and then a book called The Blueprint by Jaeson Ma. In the part I was reading, Ma was talking about his experience in receiving the Holy Spirit. As I was reading, I was feeling an excitement filling me. I was (and am) sure that it was the Spirit in some way. Cool, right? Yes.
Here's something I struggle with: After I finished the chapter, I set the book down and prayed (this is not the struggle I mean to talk about). As I prayed, I tried to cling to this feeling of excitement, of the Spirit.
Now, this may or may not be a bad thing. I tend to lead toward the former because it distracted my prayer. Regardless, my clinging to the Spirit seemed to be out of a lack of trust rather than for a desire for God. I was looking for this feeling to be a confirmation of the Spirit being upon me and thus Him being with me, rather than just trusting His promise that He is with me. I feel like that father of the demonized boy who said to Jesus: "I do believe! Help me overcome my unbelief!" (Mark 9:42).
I have no reason to doubt God at all. My own experiences and countless experiences of others testify to his reality. Through faith, then, I believe. I do. But when I desire God more and He doesn't respond in my time, I get frustrated. I need to learn patience. "Be still and know that I am God" (Psalm 46:10) is a well known verse, yet to my heart it is foreign. In my daily life, I hardly give God a chance to hear my heart (although He knows it already), let alone try to listen to what He may be trying to tell me. I don't often try to come to Jesus to receive rest (Matthew 11:28-30). I ought to seek Him unwaveringly, no longer trying to fix things myself. I think it's okay to desire a relationship with God and to do things that I think will bring me closer to Him. But there's a difference between trying to fix it myself and seeing that I can't bring myself closer to Him but that He will draw me closer to Him. From there, I can act in response to that idea: Focus my thoughts on Christ, set aside specific time in the day to pray, read, and worship, and wait for/trust in Him. I can respond to his invitation by saying "Yes, I want to know You more," but I don't think there is anything I can do to know Him more without His involvement, and this is something I tend to forget.
God, I want to know You more than I do now. I want to walk out my life with You. I want You to be my Shepherd and guide me. I want You intimately beside me, being my confidence, joy, and source of life. I want You behind me to catch me when I fall. Father, will You continue to teach me to be patient, to be still wait for You as You command? I'm sorry for being so impatient. I'm sorry that I do not trust You when I should. I'm sorry that I hardly give You the time I should. Please forgive me. And now, I will trust Your promises and I receive forgiveness. Assured by Your promises, I know that am free from these sins. Jesus, I lift this up to You in Your Name. Amen.
